Notes from Couples Workshop Weekend 11/18-19/06

Marriage is based on incompatibility, not compatibility.

Avoid late night discussions / arguments.

Romantic love always dies - is temporary

Myths

1. You will find a perfect partner
2. Marriage should come naturally, 'you should know'
3. Marriage should be conflict free

Emotional Symbiosis

1. you think the way I think
2. you feel how I feel
3. you want what I want
4. you see what I see
5. you hear what I hear
6. you experience what I experience
7. we want the same things
   
8. the way I feel is the way it is
9. why aren't you (partner) more like me?
10. if you don't agree with me, there must be something wrong with you
    

Your opinion is not necessarily the reality.

Grandiose Symbiosis:

• naive - other people are thinking about me & adore me
• paranoid - other people are thinking about me & are out to get me
  

Power Struggle Beliefs - second stage of relationship - core of emotional symbiosis.

1. If I hurt you enough, you will love me (what babies do)
2. You know what I need - I don't have to tell you (If I have to tell you, it doesn't count)
3. You have what I need, but you won't give it to me.
   

Kubler-Ross stages: shock, denial, anger & depression, bargaining, despair, acceptance

Moving from unconscious to conscious marriage.

Unconscious purpose of marriage is to complete childhood.

Hendrix wrote Getting the Love You Want while he was divorced. Thought marriage would be different the second time but he wasn't attracted to a different type of woman.

If your parents never fought, this is a problem. You learn from parents' marriage - it is a model.

Mirror what partner says - don't quickly jump to comment / suggestion.

It is common not to remember much about childhood.
Siblings / childhood friends may help you remember.

Reactions to danger:

• freeze, hide or submit
• fight or flee
• conservation or expansion

Triggering - present event that puts you back at a past time

Minimizers vs. Maximers

Most parents did best they could but still many of us were injured.

Why people fall in love:

1. complement personality
2. complementary defenses
3. imago match

We fall in love with imago composite but don't realize it until later.

Things that helped us to survive in childhood (e.g. brilliant child) can cause major problems when used in adult relationship.

Emotional Wound -> Self Absorption -> Emotional Symbiosis -> Loss of Empathy

Exits

Distinguishing between what's functional vs. what you're using to avoid being in relationship. Only you can determine when it's an exit (not your partner).
Motivated (trying to get away from partner) vs. Functional (serve purpose)

Give gifts with no strings attached.

Visualization.

Talk by Appointment Only - not necessarily when an issue is brought up.

Validating - seeing other person's point of view - not necessarily agreeing.
'It makes sense to you." (not necessarily to me)

vs.

Empathy
"I can imagine how you would feel this way" (seeing from partner's point of view)

"I'm in a lousy mood - it's not about you."

Carve out quality time each week.

"Let me see if I've heard you right"

Mirror word by word until you can used to process. Discuss non-conflict topics first.
Mirroring doesn't mean you agree with partner.
Hardest to do when you feel very differently.
"You are not me."
Watch your tone.

How I self-soothe - calm down when upset

• swim / exercise
• take a walk
• listen to music
• breathe deeply
• read
• work on computer
• write
• meditate
  

Acknowledge that partner is upset - being 'shut down' will infuriate partner.
We will talk about it but specify WHEN.
It is not your responsibility to calm down your partner.

Unconditional love only between parent & child (and not always there).

Criticism will never get you what you want.

Critical people are most critical of themselves.

Criticism is projection (of something from yourself)

When I criticize partner, follow with words, "Perhaps that could be true about me."

Come to love the parts of your partner that you hate the most because they live inside you.

Replace criticism with direct expression of desire.

If you're critical, someone in your family probably treated you that way.

Don't tell me what I'm doing wrong; tell me what I'm doing right

When someone causes an intense reaction in you, it is maximum 10% about that person, it's 90% about your history. When you're hysterical it's historical.

What is it about current situation that relates back to hot situation that happened in past.

'Negative snowball' from past events - can start to melt.
Frozen image of who partner used to be in past doesn't give partner any motivation to change.

You can't make anyone else different - you can only change yourself.
The harder you try, the more the other person will do what they do.

What is story I learned about relationship while I was growing up?

Feelings aren't necessarily the truth.

Laughter comes easiest at beginning of relationship, but it can come later too.

Change frustrations to behavior change requests.

Can't mirror when you're not calm - not in middle of argument.

"I know this is mostly my stuff."

A gift to your partner should not be what you would like to get. Ask & observe for hints.

Stretch to do something different

Need Satisfaction Cycle - express frustrations by appointment only

1. felt need
2. experience frustration
3. request appointment (doesn't have to be now)
4. express frustration
5. connect to childhood
6. make positive request for behavior change
7. be specific - what/where/when/how much/how often
8. partner grants request

Results - healing for self, growth for partner

Relationship Success (John Gottman)

• positive relationship bank account
• way to deal with frustrations when they come up - must be able to express what is bothering you but best to do dialogue by appointment - write down what's upsetting you.
  

Stay on present issue

What partner asks of you is what you need to do for yourself.

Trying to get second time around what we didn't get the first time - but want familiar love.

Start working with smaller issues to get comfortable with dialogue process.
Start dialoging about non-conflictual topics.

DON'T immediately respond to strong emotion - share your experience at another time.

It's easier to listen if it's not about you.

If you go to sleep, big issue may not seem as large in the morning.

Resources
Book - I Don't Want to Talk About It
Book - 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Book - What Children Learn From Their Parent's Marriage
Books - Jack Canfield - expressing gratitude
Books - Emotional Intelligence, Social Intelligence
Book - Not Just Friends
Book - After the Honeymoon - changing relationship is choosing a different set of problems.
DVD - The Secret
Movie - The Story of Us
Movie - Joy Luck Club

Our Relationship Vision - November 19, 2006

1. We laugh a lot.
2. We earn enough money to live in the way we'd like to
3. We listen to each other
4. We balance time together and time apart so we stay connected with each other.
5. We make sure both our needs are met when making major decisions.
6. We resolve our differences peacefully and remain close.
7. We always put each other first.
8. We regularly enjoy day & weekend trips and vacations.
9. We have a rich and rewarding sex life.
10. We support each other's personal/professional growth and accomplishments.
11. We take care of our health and take a 30 minute walk weekly.
12. Temple, charity and volunteerism are parts of our life.
13. We have fun together.
14. We enjoy friendships and with other couples and with individual friends.
15. We openly express our affection for each other.
16. We tell each other what we are feeling, even when it is tough.
17. We make time for each other every day.
18. We have a 'date night' every week.
19. We respect and appreciate each other.